Book Review: If Ever I Fall by S. D. Robertson

"Is holding on harder than letting go?

Dan’s life has fallen apart at the seams. He’s lost his house, his job is on the line, and now he’s going to lose his family too. All he’s ever wanted is to keep them together, but is everything beyond repair?

Maria is drowning in grief. She spends her days writing letters that will never be answered. Nights are spent trying to hold terrible memories at bay, to escape the pain that threatens to engulf her.

Jack wakes up confused and alone. He doesn’t know who he is, how he got there, or why he finds himself on a deserted clifftop, but will piecing together the past leave him a broken man?

In the face of real tragedy, can these three people find a way to reconcile their past with a new future? And is love enough to carry them through?"

Rating: 3.5/5

This is the second novel I have read by author SD Robertson. His first, Time to Say Goodbye, was a heart-wrenching, emotive read, so I was curious to find out if this one would follow the same track. I was right, and after reading the blurb I was sure it was going to be a hard-going read, and I was right. This time, the book follows the failing marriage of Dan and Maria, following a complete tragedy in their family. They've tried to work it out, but the grief is just too much, they simply can't cope with their loss. Away from this, Jack has woken up after apparently falling from a ladder, but has no idea who or where he is. He relies on a local man to look after him, but is desperate to piece his life back together and find out who he is.

The story was a very intriguing one from the beginning, with me wondering straight away who Jack was and what had happened to him. This was a slow-burning part of the story, but I did guess around halfway in exactly who he was and why he had ended up there. The other characters, Maria and Dan were in such a sad situation, my heart completely broke for them. It isn't clear for a while exactly what tragedy has befallen the couple but as things become clear, the story takes on a whole new perspective. You can understand why they are broken by what has happened, and its just a painfully awful situation.

Robertson really taps into the emotion of these situations really well. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to write about such a scenario, it isn't something I would want to think about, and it certainly made for hard reading. Reading Maria's letters, one she knew would never be answered, are heart-breaking, I couldn't help but feel so terribly sorry for her. Dan, too, struggles with comforting his grieving wife, and it was hard to read how hard he was trying, and the fact he was just getting nowhere. Add into that their young daughter and her own grief, well, it wasn't easy reading.

Jack's mystery was a bit intriguing, although I did find myself getting a bit perplexed towards the end as to how it all comes together. It felt like it all suddenly hurtled to this big conclusion, and I felt it all sort of felt a bit strange for me. The narrative of the book switches between the three main characters, so we get a good feel for all three of them, which I felt exposed their stories well enough, and gave us differing perspectives on things that were happening.

For me, this was a good read, and although it was a hard topic to read about, it was a very well written and handled book. It can't have been easy to read, yet Robertson has managed to put himself in the shoes of these grieving parents, and shows us the hard side of a tragedy like that. Jack's mystery kept me hooked, I was so keen for him to somehow escape and find out what had truly happened to him and who he was! Due to the nature of the themes in this, it won't be for everyone, but it was a good read, and I did enjoy it, even if it left me feeling a bit emotionally fragile. I will be looking for more from SD Robertson.

Blog Tour: Extract of 'If Ever I Fall' by S. D. Robertson

To celebrate the publication of SD Robertson's emotional new book If Ever I Fall, his publishers have organised a blog tour, and I have been lucky enough to host an extract of the book. I'm reading it at the moment, slightly puzzled by the story, but so eager to keep reading and find out what is going on! Enjoy the extract, and let me know if you read the book!

Thanks to SD Robertson and his publishers for asking me to host on the blog tour!

"Dan’s alarm sounded. He thumped it off and stared, blurry-eyed, at the red LED lines telling him it was 8 a.m.

It took him a moment to remember where he was. Not the spare room. No, the master bedroom in his fantastic new apartment. Otherwise known as the room he slept in at his crappy new flat in the suburbs. Him and his two ‘flatmates’: damp and depressing.

What on earth had he been thinking when he agreed to rent this place? That it was cheap and in a location that suited him. Not much else. If he’d been able to jump forward in time to this awful moment – waking up here, alone on Christmas morning – would he have still signed the rental agreement? 

Probably, if he was honest. That was actually one of the things that had appealed most about the flat: the fact it only tied him in for three months. He still hoped he wouldn’t need any longer than that.

Also, it wasn’t like he could afford much else while he was still paying the bills at his real house, where Ruby had probably already opened her stocking by now with Maria.

How was this fair: him going out to work five days a week, supporting the family, but having to live here? It wasn’t. He stared up at the ceiling, at the unsightly cracks meandering across the white paint. If he wanted a chance of getting back with Maria, what choice did he have?

She’d pushed him further and further away since Sam’s death and this was where he’d ended up. He feared she blamed him for what had happened to Sam. He blamed himself, so why not? That would at least explain why she’d grown so cold towards him. It was more than that, though. More even than the horrific, never-ending grief he’d felt since that horrendous day.

It was like something had broken within his wife’s mind. As if she could no longer function properly. She did her best to hide it, but he’d seen the way she would repeat things over and over again when she thought no-one was watching, as though it was some kind of weird ritual. On the few occasions when he’d interrupted her or tried to help in some way, her response had been one of ferocious denial, pushing him yet further away.

The first time he’d tried to talk to her about it, he’d ended up banished to the spare room, never to return. They’d explained this to Ruby by saying that his snoring had been keeping Maria awake, but Dan suspected that Ruby knew it was more significant than that.

He hadn’t dared say anything more for a long time afterwards, hoping it was part of his wife’s grieving process and that she would gradually improve. But of course she didn’t. Eventually, after skirting around the issue for far too long, he’d tried again to broach the matter. He’d suggested, as tactfully as he could, that she might want to seek help. He’d even been on the Internet and found her the name of a local counsellor.

Bad move. That had led to an even worse row than the last and, a couple of days later, to Maria’s suggestion of the trial separation.

Now here he was: hungover and alone in this godforsaken place.

The alarm sounded again – good old snooze function – snapping Dan out of his half-doze and alerting him to the fact it was now 8.10 a.m. He turned it off, properly this time, and levered himself upright.

‘Merry Christmas,’ he said to his reflection in the mirrored doors of the cheap wardrobe.

He walked through to the lounge and spent a few minutes tidying up his mess from the night before: bottles of beer, a shot glass. He didn’t know why he was bothering. It wasn’t like he was expecting guests any time soon. Force of habit, he supposed, still not used to being a bachelor. He didn’t want to get used to it. 

Hopefully it would be short-lived: a brief chapter in his life that one day he’d look back on and smile about.

In the kitchen, his gaze fell on the vodka bottle he’d been drinking from the night before. For a moment he thought about picking it up and having another go, but he stopped himself. His boozing had accelerated enough since moving in here. At least it was still mostly contained to acceptable hours. Necking vodka at this time of the day would be crossing a line. Next thing he’d have a bottle in the inside pocket of his jacket, swigging from it at the wheel of his car. No, he didn’t want to go down that route. Plus, the police were always on the lookout for drink-drivers over the festive period. No point in risking his licence.

Instead he found his pack of cigarettes, opened the window and, enjoying the feel of the cold winter air on his skin, lit one up."

Book Review: Time to Say Goodbye by S. D. Robertson

"Is there ever a right time to let go?

How do you leave the person you love the most?

Will Curtis’s six-year-old daughter, Ella, knows her father will never leave her. After all, he promised her so when her mother died. And he’s going to do everything he can to keep his word.

What Will doesn’t know is that the promise he made to his little girl might be harder to keep than he imagined. When he’s faced with an impossible decision, Will finds that the most obvious choice might not be the right one.

But the future is full of unexpected surprises. And father and daughter are about to embark on an unforgettable journey together . . ."

Rating: 4/5

You can buy the book now.

Another debut novel that I have read and enjoyed this is the new book from author S. D. Robertson, an emotional tale called Time to Say Goodbye. Just from reading the synopsis, I knew that this was going to be a hard book for me to read as a parent, and I was right, I found this difficult from the beginning and in only got harder to read as the book went on. Despite that, I couldn't put it down because the writing was extremely good, I really cared about the story, and it was just a compelling read. The book is written by a male author, for a male perspective as the main character, and I really actually enjoyed reading something different for a change!

Will is a single father to his 6 year old daughter Emily, who are a team after the untimely death of Emily's mother. Will loves being a father, and has promised Emily he will always be there for her, especially now there is just the two of them. But when Will is the victim in an accident, he is forced to rethink that promise, and is left with an awful decision to have to make. How is Will going to be able to make this tough choice, and possibly leave his daughter Emily behind, all alone in the world?

As you can see, this is a particularly tough subject, and although I have read a few books along this theme now, it doesn't get any easier. As a parent, there are 2 thoughts that I never want to have to contemplate - one is losing my child, and the other is knowing I am going to die and leave my child behind without me. Both scares me stupid, and this book confronts one of these issues head on. I don't want to give away too much as much of the pleasure in this book was seeing how the story unfolded, and exactly what decisions Will had to make and why he made them.

Robertson has created a wonderful relationship between the main character of Will and his daughter in the book - they are extremely close, having only each other, and it was a joy to read their pairing. There was a good twist on this story within this book, and you could really feel Will's heartbreak as the story progresses, and he is confronted with some awful choices. You can really feel how much Will loves his daughter, dreads leaving her behind and it is heart-breaking in places. As Will realises what is happening, your heart breaks for him because I know I would be feeling the same thing he is, the same desperation he feels to stay with Emily, and it honestly had me in floods of tears.

I did wonder for a while if the author was writing from some sort of personal experience because the emotion in the book felt so real, so raw that it completely drew me in and made me feel it too. Will's desperation, his parents grief and sorrow, and the small way his daughter soldiers on despite her own heartbreak is so beautifully written, so touchingly done that you are completely pulled into Will's world, desperate for a happy that although you know probably cannot come, you crave anyway. The book is slow-paced but has to be for this story to unfold properly, and you simply won't be able to put it down once you have begun, even once your many tears have started to flow. Yes, it was a hard story to read, heart-breaking and sad at its core, but is truly the story of the ultimate love, that between a parent and a child which is never-ending. A gorgeous debut, that I can highly recommend, but make sure you've got the tissues nearby.